Gina's Mother Fuckin' Resume
Gina *******
Phone: (***) ***-****
Email: *****************@*****.com
Objective:
Dude, if you give me money, I will do stuff for ya. I'm all like, "OH?? Money? That's a rad motivation! Fuck yeah, I'll clean the fuck out of those dishes and take the fuck out of those food orders 'n shit!" Really, what other objective is there? I got bills to pay, yo! I'm good at following directions, I am a woman afterall.
Another objective of mine is to get access to a time machine, and totally go tell my past self that tequila is always a bad idea. I'd also like to go back in time and get a pet velociraptor and train it to be a vegetarian and take it out for walks, and it would be accustomed to all my friends, but scare the crap out of everyone else. I will be known as Ginasaurus Rex, Mother of Dinosaurs. All shall fear me!
Experience:
Well. Sometimes, I loiter at this local guitar shop where I sell picks and cables and strings and shit to random peeps when the other real employees are busy. And I like, answer the phone 'n shit like that.
I used to work on a local organic farm where I pretty much just put seeds in the dirt and built gardens for people, and once, I was told to paint the shed, and the only paint they had was neon fushia... That was pretty frickin awesome.
I also used to be a lvl 97 priest, and would buff people and heal them when they went on missions to kill high level monsters.
Education:
Elementary- I went to this private school in Tacoma where I learned geometry and algebra in like, 4th grade. I love shapes, so I was all like, "FUCK YEAH!!" And I used to draw shapes randomly with rulers and compasses and figure out the area on my own.
Middle school- I was all like, "Oh shit! Puberty!" and switched to a public school later where I was smarter than everybody else because of my experience in elementary.
High School- Dude, I went to like, boarding schools and shit like that. That shit was harsh! I got detention all the time for stupid shit like not folding the covers on my bed tightly enough, and in detention, I would copy and draw my own charts based off of charts in the science books and pass the time reading short stories from the Language Arts books. Eventually, I graduated from ******* High School, back when I came home and went into the Public Schooling programs.
College- HAHAHHAHAHAA. I didn't do that; I didn't feel like taking loans I'd have to pay off for the rest of my life. Most the shit I have learned that I need in life is crap I learned from life itself and no teacher can actually tell you that shit. Am I right? AM I RIGHT??
Skills:
Dude, I got mad skills, bro.
-I can paint. My paintings are like, heeeeeell yeah!
-I can type like a pro even when I am drunk as fuck.
-I can drink nearly everyone I know under the table.
-I can watch Iron Man 2 and point out every Thor and Captain America reference like a fuckin pro.
-I can drink 12 beers, have 4 shots, and a bottle of wine and still bike home and manage to get my teeth brushed and in bed like a goddamn champion.
-I have been known to get to level 7-2 on Super Mario Bros on NES in ONE FUCKING TRY. Seriously, no lost lives at all. Actually, I died on that level with 23 lives, and I DON'T USE WARP TUNNELS. Because that's for bitches.
-I can climb trees like a fuckin monkey. Have you seen me climb trees? I can get to the top of an evergreen in like, 3 minutes. As long as there isn't any spiders. I hate those bastards. Fuck those guys. GROSS.
-I have moshed in a Mayhem (that's some hardcore fuckin black metal, FYI) wearing 4.5 inch high heels. I didn't fall, and I beat the shit out of a guy who made fun of me for being a girl at a metal show.
-I'm like, a lvl 99 assassin cross with +9 katars, and I have wicked pin-point accuracy. I'm also a great lord knight with some awesome armor and can tank you if you need it.
-I'm from the United States, bitch! We won like, over 100 medals in the last Olympics! HOLY SHIT!!
-Give me a normal cheese pizza and access to a kitchen, and I can pimp the FUCK out of that pizza like a motherfuckin wizard. I'm like Gandalf in that shit.
References:
Bitch, do you really need any? Look at this shit! I'm fucking awesome! I will see you on Monday.
